Joy is a Choice

Negativity effects everything. It starts as a spark in my thoughts and spreads like wild fire until it overtakes my mind. When my mind is effected, my mood is effected. When my mood is effected, everyone around me gets lashed at and stung until they, too, are feeling down. It doesn’t take much. And sadly, it’s our human nature to feel this way, to sit in negativity and allow it to permeate our entire being.

I have been soaking in a pool of negativity for months. I’m unhappy and unsatisfied. I feel like I’m sitting on the edge and the smallest mishap throws me over. One small, misspoken word is enough to have me sulking and spewing for days. I blame it on the weather, on pms, on postpartum hormones, on my husband, on my kids. And while hormones or lack of vitamin D may have a part to play in it (because hormones are a very real thing), that still is not an excuse for the way I’ve been acting and treating others. There is never an excuse to be unkind, short tempered, and selfish.

I’ve heard it spoken so often, “choose joy”. Heck, I’ve said it myself, even spoken it to others. But those words have no effect until you realize the gravity of them.

“How can I just magically turn my mood around? How can I be happy when everything is going so horribly?”

Questions I often ponder.

So I cry out to God, “Lord, help me choose joy. Renew my strength and pull me through”.

And then as I continue my day I wait for the Lord to answer. I wait for Him to flip a switch and turn my sulking into dancing. But it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t work that way. I mean, it could, if that’s what the Lord wanted, because you better believe that the God who created the Heavens and the Earth is capable of changing my attitude. But that’s the thing, God is not a genie in a bottle, waiting to answer our every beck and call. He wants us to seek Him, and in our process of seeking Him, we will find what we long for.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7 (NIV)

I can’t just sit around and wait for a better attitude to come knocking on my door. I need to be ready and willing to make a change, to actively seek the Lord, and understand that this life is not all about me. After all, what good would it do if the Lord just gave us everything we wanted whenever we wanted it? Wouldn’t that deepen our self indulgence even more? When would we ever learn?

Let’s dive in. Let’s dig deeper and take a look at what is really going on. Thoughts that have run through my mind daily, on repeat, in the last months:

“Am I really getting sick? Again?”

“Both kids are teething. And they’re sick. I guess I won’t be sleeping for the next month.”

“Why do I live where the air hurts my face?”

“YouTube hates me right now.”

“I feel like I never see my husband.”

“I have way too much to do and not enough time to do it.”

“Why won’t my children just listen to me?”

“More technical issues. Always at the worst times.”

Yikes. That’s not all. This is embarrassing to actually write down and share. This is what I’ve been living in for months. These words, on repeat, all day, every day. You can imagine what my mood has been like.

And then yesterday, in church, after a crazy hectic morning trying to rush out the door early so we could be there in time for worship practice, the Lord whispered to me,

“I have given you everything you ever wanted. Why are you so unhappy?”

Bam. Ouch.

I started listing off all the blessings in my life.

1 // I married a man who loves me deeply, who serves me daily, who loyally stays by my side even when I treat him like garbage.

2 // I have two beautiful children, whom I carried safely in my womb and birthed into this world. My life is far richer and fuller with them in it.

3 // I am a mother. My life dream was to be a mother.

4 // I have two families, the one i was born into and the one I married into, whom I love deeply, and who love and care for me.

5 // I have a job that generates a good income while allowing me to stay home, raise my kids, and fuel my creativity. I literally get paid to do what I love.

The list goes on and on and on.

So why am I unhappy?

Because I have grown distant and selfish. I stopped giving yet still expected to receive. I stopped being grateful for what I had and started obsessing with what I didn’t. I stopped writing little love notes and showering my husband with spontaneous kisses, and grew upset when he didn’t do the same for me. I sought time alone instead of relishing in the fleeting moments with my little ones. I stopped living in the moment, appreciating the now, and longed for the next big thing instead. I chose work over my family. I wished for the life that other mamas had and completely overlooked what the Lord already placed in my lap.

Selfish. So selfish.

This kind of self-indulging attitude was slowly tearing me apart, but I couldn’t see it. I knew something was off, but I couldn’t figure out what. Instead, I chose to blame my circumstances because that was easier than figuring out what was wrong with me.

But you see, it’s not about my circumstances.

My circumstances are what they are and they’re not going to change. I can pray and pray and pray for things to get better or my days to be easier, but unless that is the Lord’s will, that is not going to happen. This leaves me with two choices:

a // I can choose to focus on the bad and allow the negativity of any given situation to fill me with despair and anger. I can be bitter and complain, nag, and groan. Or,

b // I can choose to focus on the good and be grateful for all that I do have. I can face the bad with an attitude of joy and peace, knowing that ultimately the Lord is in control.

Which one sounds better? It’s obvious, isn’t it?

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Phillipians 4:8 (NIV)

Stop filling your mind with all that is bad in your life. Stop nagging at your husband to pick his clothes up off the floor. He needs a little grace too. Stop complaining about how tired you are of being tired. One day the little ones won’t be so little, and we’ll miss those late night cuddles deeply. Stop whining about how cold/hot/rainy/snowy the weather is. Enjoy a cup of coffee and a board game indoors instead. I’m saying this just as much to myself as I am to you; stop obsessing over the bad. Don’t overlook the good.

Instead, think about whatever is pure, whatever is lovely. Think about things that fill you with happiness and excitement. Obsess over things that make you want to laugh and dance and jump for joy. Be grateful for what the Lord has given you. When we filter out the negativity and replace it with a different, more positive perspective, everything changes. Stop thinking about what others should be doing for you and start asking yourself how you can better serve others. This selfless, gentle, joyful attitude is a serious game changer. Trust me.

Keep in mind, this change won’t happen over night. It takes dedication and practice and, over time, you’ll slowly start to see your perspective change. Let me leave you with a few simple tasks to get you started.

1 // Write down 3 things you are grateful for at the end of each day.

Even if I can’t physically write it down, I’ll ponder these and pray about them, praising the Lord for blessing me with them. It can be as simple as a warm cup of coffee, feeling the sun shining on your skin, indulging in your favourite dessert. Or, maybe that day included something big like a promotion or a positive pregnancy test. Whatever it is, write it down. Think about it. Praise the Lord for it.

2 // Write down 10 negative complaints you’ve said in the past week. Now, take those complaints and write each as a positive statement instead.

(Scroll above to re-read the complaints)

“Praise the Lord this is just a cold and nothing more. Lord, thank you for my health that I so often take for granted.”

“Let’s get teething and sickness over with at once so we can get back to restful nights sooner!”

“Lord, thank you for a warm home, a place to take refuge when the weather is cold. Let’s light some candles and soak in the coziness of home before summer comes.”

“There is so much more to learn in the low periods than in the high ones. How can I better myself and grow in my work life?”

“My husband has a lot of commitments that help serve us and others. How can I serve him while he serves others?”

“I know how dangerous too much free time is for my mental health. I’m thankful that I can keep my hands and mind busy with everything that I love.”

“I have a passionate, strong willed child. With a good and healthy upbringing she will use those traits to make a huge impact on the world around her.”

“Lord, some things are out of my control. I know all things are possible with You. Thank you for taking care of me.”

See how mind-blowing that is? There are 2 ways to look at any situation. It’s not about your circumstances, it’s about your attitude towards those circumstances.

3 // Make a list of 5 simple but effective goals to achieve in the next month.

This could include a small daily task, or a larger task to complete by month-end. This list is for you and you only; you’re not here to change someone else’s attitude, only your own. Each task should be focused on serving others and not yourself. Here is my list:

a // Kiss my husband spontaneously for at least 30 seconds everyday

b // Help my kids memorize 1 verse a week (or every 2 weeks)

c // Leave my phone in the other room during play time with the kids

d // Leave a little love note for my husband once a week

e // Pick up my husband’s clothes and put them away silently, no nagging allowed

At the end of each month evaluate yourself. How did you do? What changes did you notice? Write yourself a new list and continue practicing selfless acts of service. When we start focusing on others rather than ourselves, our vision doubles, triples, and we start to see the world through the eyes of others. It’s incredibly humbling and puts our small complaints into perspective.

Whew. That was a lot.

I assure you, this blog post is for myself just as much as it is for anyone reading. I am guilty of all of the above and have a long road of attitude-changing ahead of me. Remember that this is going to take time, you’re going to mess up, and that’s okay. Recognize your mistake, repent, pick yourself up and move on.

Let’s do this together!